Many heartfelt thanks to those of you who chimed in with some good thoughts! Or condolences- whatever.
I'd like to say it was just the day, or that I'm better, but it's the same. Today I walked around thinking "I can't take much more." I'm hiding in the bathroom, crying. Crying in my car. My shoulders aren't feeling so broad these days. Not so strong. Chris and I vaccilate between holding on to each other, and circling each other warily. Each of us is a bit raw, a bit tender around the edges. We don't speak of the disappointments. It's the elephant in the room.
I told him to just find a job, anywhere, even if he has to be in another state. OUCH. Not where I saw myself. Not what I signed up for, this move to Maine. It was supposed to be for US, together... not far apart. Not in different states. But that dream is gone. Just gone. It must be something else...
Which leads me into this-I have been reading Shannon's (I believe that's her name) blog Flower Patch Farmgirl for a number of months now. Like many bloggers out there, she recently wrote a 31 day series on the topic of her choice- Letting go. And boy, it really touched me.
Basically, for me, it means coming to terms with the move here, with letting go of home, of expectations, of how I thought things would work out here. Because frankly, they haven't-- not even close. Perhaps I am too busy fighting what God wants of me. Not what I want- what HE wants. Perhaps I am too busy grumbling to myself to hear what He is telling me. I don't know. I'm just putting it out there. At this point, we have made one bad decision after another. I'm thinking I need to make another type of decision. Like- to be STILL. To pay ATTENTION. Because obviously what I'm doing isn't working. I'm not sure of how to do that, exactly. I can admit that I'm damned scared to hear the answer.
What's God telling you?