Nov 8, 2011


Many heartfelt thanks to those of you who chimed in with some good thoughts! Or condolences- whatever.

I'd like to say it was just the day, or that I'm better, but it's the same. Today I walked around thinking "I can't take much more." I'm hiding in the bathroom, crying. Crying in my car. My shoulders aren't feeling so broad these days. Not so strong. Chris and I vaccilate between holding on to each other, and circling each other warily. Each of us is a bit raw, a bit tender around the edges. We don't speak of the disappointments. It's the elephant in the room.

I told him to just find a job, anywhere, even if he has to be in another state. OUCH. Not where I saw myself. Not what I signed up for, this move to Maine. It was supposed to be for US, together... not far apart. Not in different states. But that dream is gone. Just gone. It must be something else...

Which leads me into this-I have been reading Shannon's  (I believe that's her name) blog Flower Patch Farmgirl for a number of months now. Like many bloggers out there, she recently wrote a 31 day series on the topic of her choice- Letting go. And boy, it really touched me.

Basically, for me, it means coming to terms with the move here, with letting go of home, of expectations, of how I thought things would work out here. Because frankly, they haven't-- not even close. Perhaps I am too busy fighting what God wants of me. Not what I want- what HE wants. Perhaps I am too busy grumbling to myself to hear what He is telling me. I don't know. I'm just putting it out there. At this point, we have made one bad decision after another. I'm thinking I need to make another type of decision. Like- to be STILL. To pay ATTENTION. Because obviously what I'm doing isn't working. I'm not sure of how to do that, exactly. I can admit that I'm damned scared to hear the answer.

What's God telling you?


Gigi said...

I know how you feel. To be honest, lately, I feel like God isn't telling me anything. Actually, I kinda feel like I'm being ignored.

In fact, I told Hubby the other day that we need to sell the house. Even though it's not an optimum time. This house is the main source of all of our outgoing cash (not counting MC's school - but that is non-negotiable. I'm not taking him out in his senior year!). He is saying we need to wait until Spring. Personally, I don't think we can wait.

I wish I knew what to tell you; or had words of wisdom...but I don't. So instead, I'll send you lots of love and prayers; because that's all I can do at this point.

Jean Elizabeth said...

I am not sure of your situation Lee, but I know your art has brought me joy. I am sure others feel the same way. As far as what God is telling you and me? If you really want to know, open his word and read Matthew 6:25-33.

"If you look for him he will let you find him..." 1 Chronicles 28:9

Take care and I hope things get better soon!

Shannon said...

So much I want to say...I've been where you are, am still there sometimes. It's sad yet comforting to realize that there are others going through the same things. I've often felt so alone but now I know I'm not. Thank you for sharing, for being so open, I know it has to be hard. Thank you also for sharing the link to Shannon's Letting Go series. I can so relate. I'll keep you in my prayers. It will get better.