Oct 12, 2009

The Truth

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind of events. We sold our house and bought another in the span of about 10 days. The reality of moving is sinking in, sinking hard and fast. I am frenzied and inert, finding it impossible to settle down, and impossible to move. How can that be?

The truth of the matter is, I am leaving my home. Home. Lately I find myself hyper-aware of the sounds and scents of surrounding me. I will be leaving them soon, all too soon. The sound of spring peepers in the dawn and dusk are like music to my aching heart. They were in full chorus the other night, and I realized that this sound sums up my childhood. It will forever be the sound I fell asleep to at my parents farm.

The familiar clipclop of the Amish horses passing by, metal wheels grating against the pavement. I haven't seen any Amish in Maine. The woosh of the deer as they let me know they are there, the call of the ponies in the morning, asking for breakfast. The sound of the wind through the great oak trees, the swishing of the corn. The corn in Maine is a pale comparison to the corn down here. Golden fields of pumpkins and soybeans. Tobacco hanging in barns. All of this is part of who I am. I cannot forget it, and yet feel that I am losing all of this. My children will certainly forget, and that is like a knife to my heart. They won't be from here, they will be from there.

I know there will be new things in Maine. Maine is a lovely state, and I love New England. Knowing how homesick I am already feeling, I can only imagine the feeling of wholeness- completeness- that Chris is feeling now. We are, after all, returning to his home. The place that has been calling his heart. It is both a sacrifice and a gain for me. Again, the paradox.

That's all I can say. I can't put a smiley face on it right now. Right now it's too hard.


Julie said...

I know how you feel, I left my home to move to coastal South Carolina and it felt awful as I loved my home, the sights, sounds, smells - It was an adjustment period once I arrived to my new home. Everything was unfamiliar the food, people, weather, everything... the up side is that once I had made the adjustment I learned to love my new home. It took a few bouts of tears, but I know you will make new friends and learn to enjoy your new home. Life is about embracing change and new experiences even if it is with a tear in your eye. I wish I could be there to help you along in the process - Because I would be there for you... even if only to hold your hand and tell you it's all going to be okay because of who you are deep inside.

Lori said...

Lee, your post made me so sad for you...i have tears in my eyes...it must be so hard for you to leave all that is dear to you and move to another state...i hope you will come to love maine...and start to feel about your home there, the way you feel about your home now...*hugs* girl!!!

Outstanding Stranger said...

You can take your memories with your...but look foward to making new memories and a new adventure. You can learn what has drawn him home and find the beauty there..enjoy the adventure. Hugs, Diane


Oh sweets--I feel you. Not to damper you any further--but I've been gone from my old house almost 2 years now. I can't stand it!!! I think about it all the time. I can't can't seem to get used to my new place. BUT on a great note, think of all the wonderful NEW memories you can make with your hubs and your boys and soon enough they will be old enough to remember them with you!!!

I saw this and isntantly thought of you!!!


Tracey said...

It is going to be a bit sad and hard too to leave...but your new house will become a home and what a home it's going to be!!!

:) T

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

You have given us a feel of your home that is almost poetic. Beautifully written, simply beautifully written. I'm sad for you and happy for your new adventure.

MommaRu said...

I am where you are now. Having lived my entire life at the Jersey Shore, leaving the home where we raised our children and six of our grandchildren running and playing through the house and yard, and when they tell you, "Grammy, I love your house", it hurts. I've had my melt-downs at seeing their pictures or hearing their voices, but now I hear Shelby's little voice and see her sweet face, the change will be exciting in our new home. Some things are meant to be carried on in our hearts, and experience new climes and cultures and make new adventures and new beginnings. We both need to embrace the change. Love U

The Other Side of Me said...

HI Sweetie,

Your new adventure awaits and you are beginning a new life together as a family! It will belong to all of you and it is so exciting being in a new place, a new house, making new friends. It definitely will enrich your life and give you experiences you would have never had if you didn't choose to try something new. You can always go back "home." It is forever a part of you.

Love to you,

Tam said...

I get this more than you know. Now I await to see where our next move will take us.