Aug 7, 2012

Trying to Find My Way

You know that saying "You can't go home again"? Although I moved out of state and back before, I'm finding that this time it's true.

The first time I moved was after I was married. My first husband and I moved to Boston, where he was in school. A few short years went by. I learned to love Boston after 5 years and feel at home there. But, our marriage didn't last, and I moved back home to lick my wounds. It was difficult, being an adult and moving back with my parents. There were struggles between the child role and the adult role.

I went the nursing school. Moved out to an apartment. It was the first time I lived completely on my own. It was great. Time passed, I met my husband. (We bought a house, married, had a baby. In that order.) I loved that house the minute I saw it. We walked through it, pulled out of the driveway, and I told him "I want this house." We bought it that night.

Fast forward to now. You know the story. Husband got homesick for Maine. We decided to give it a chance and moved here. In hindsight, probably not the smartest move as the economy was already taking a hit. Jobs have been hard to come by. Husband travels a lot. I am homesick. The house is for sale.

So, getting back to the saying, I had last week off and packed the kids up for the long drive back to Pa. to get the lay on the land. I have decided- pretty much anyway- to move back before the house sells. To take a better paying job, to get a work history started, to get the kids enrolled in school. But husband and I have been really struggling with this decision. Are we doing the right thing? Will the kids be OK?

 I had this idea that somehow, by doing this, I would have this moment where I knew. That there would be this shining moment- the clouds would part, the God-light would shine down, the bells would ring and I would know. I thought I'd be super excited, that I'd say to myself "I'm moving home!"

Yeah, that so didn't happen. I felt more confused. Where do we want to live? Where do we enroll the kids? Do I take the job (day/midnight is going to be very difficult). How are we going to all fit in my parents' house- two kids, two adults, a dog,  and three cats? What roles will we have? Who will take my kids to school when I'm on midnight shift, if husband is out of town? The list goes on and on.

I keep waiting for God to tap me on the shoulder. To whisper in my ear, like He has done in the past. But, nothing. Nada. Only the dull roar of my own heartbeat. Of my uncertainty.

Now, that doesn't mean He hasn't. It may mean I am too caught up in my own stuff to hear Him. Did I miss it somewhere? Did I miss it when we moved here? Or am I missing it now? Are we supposed to stay or go?

On one hand, I believe He has a plan for me. On the other hand, I believe that life it what I make it, and He'll be standing right behind me all of the way. I don't know. I'm confused and scared.

So, tell me. What have you done in this type of situation? Do you have any advice? Because I could really use it!

hugs, Lee


Julia Corbin said...

My initial thoughts are - that's what family is for, to be there when you need help on any level.

Secondly, I would revisit why you are moving before the house sells. Will you be starting your new better paying job right away? Is it because the kids will be starting school soon? A job is one thing, we all need the finances, but the kids will adjust if they move during the school year. Trust me - BTDT. When moving is a positive experience and necessary, they adapt and adjust (I think) far quicker than us adults.

Your questions about how will we fit, what roles will we have, daily logistics...just sit down and talk it out. Put the adult heads together and come up with a plan, that way everyone knows where they stand and no guessing as to who, what & when.

Our experience moving to TN - our house in FL didn't sell but we moved anyway - it became a huge financial burden that has taken years to come out of. We feel it WAS a sign that the house didn't sell. Those 4 years in TN were unbelievably difficult emotionally & financially. BUT the positive is that now that we are back 'home' we are far more appreciative of where we are, we have a much more positive approach to many things because we went through what we did.
Being scared is one thing, that is normal. Being confused (to me) means you need to lay out the pros & cons, really focus on the 'why' and 'how' and I bet that will clear up your confusion. It will also help you create a plan that you and your family TOGETHER can achieve and all share in the process. Don't forgot through all this you are setting an example for your children. Let them see how you come together to figure out difficult situations & decisions. Priceless life lesson. Kids can generally simplify things in ways we adults have lost the ability to do. :-)

Gigi said...

I am sending you hugs, prayers and anything else that you could possibly need.

I know what you are feeling; I'm feeling it too. At this point, I am second guessing everything! I keep begging for a sign and am getting no response.

I know I keep saying it, but's GOT to get better, right?

The Other Side of Me said...

10Hey Lee,

Glad you got home safely. Moving back in with your parents is going to be tough but may be worth it. If you definitely want to move back to be in PA/DE, then decide what is lesser of 2 things. Going ahead and living with Mom and Dad with money coming in or stay in ME until the house sells and hang on financially. Tough decision. ALso, chose the one that keeps you and Chris the strongest. The kids will be okay if you are okay. Sorry, none of it is easy. Maybe sit down with the boys and Chris and talk it out to hear all sides. Some idea may float that you hadn't thought of.
Talk to you later,

ramsam said...

So, as you know, part of my blogging sabatical is due to a lot of trauma in my life. Blogging was just too much. I am finding I am starting to miss it again.... but I do know what you are saying. Here are the only words that make sense to me to share with you:

Sometimes God clears the clouds and shows us the way, and sometimes He waits and lets us clear the clouds ourselves, but either way He is always watching lovingly and mercifully.
I KNOW this from time after time in my life.
Move forward and tell God you have made up your mind and ask for His blessing. It will come.