Trying to Find My Way

You know that saying "You can't go home again"? Although I moved out of state and back before, I'm finding that this time it's true.

The first time I moved was after I was married. My first husband and I moved to Boston, where he was in school. A few short years went by. I learned to love Boston after 5 years and feel at home there. But, our marriage didn't last, and I moved back home to lick my wounds. It was difficult, being an adult and moving back with my parents. There were struggles between the child role and the adult role.

I went the nursing school. Moved out to an apartment. It was the first time I lived completely on my own. It was great. Time passed, I met my husband. (We bought a house, married, had a baby. In that order.) I loved that house the minute I saw it. We walked through it, pulled out of the driveway, and I told him "I want this house." We bought it that night.

Fast forward to now. You know the story. Husband got homesick for Maine. We decided to give it a chance and moved here. In hindsight, probably not the smartest move as the economy was already taking a hit. Jobs have been hard to come by. Husband travels a lot. I am homesick. The house is for sale.

So, getting back to the saying, I had last week off and packed the kids up for the long drive back to Pa. to get the lay on the land. I have decided- pretty much anyway- to move back before the house sells. To take a better paying job, to get a work history started, to get the kids enrolled in school. But husband and I have been really struggling with this decision. Are we doing the right thing? Will the kids be OK?

 I had this idea that somehow, by doing this, I would have this moment where I knew. That there would be this shining moment- the clouds would part, the God-light would shine down, the bells would ring and I would know. I thought I'd be super excited, that I'd say to myself "I'm moving home!"

Yeah, that so didn't happen. I felt more confused. Where do we want to live? Where do we enroll the kids? Do I take the job (day/midnight is going to be very difficult). How are we going to all fit in my parents' house- two kids, two adults, a dog,  and three cats? What roles will we have? Who will take my kids to school when I'm on midnight shift, if husband is out of town? The list goes on and on.

I keep waiting for God to tap me on the shoulder. To whisper in my ear, like He has done in the past. But, nothing. Nada. Only the dull roar of my own heartbeat. Of my uncertainty.

Now, that doesn't mean He hasn't. It may mean I am too caught up in my own stuff to hear Him. Did I miss it somewhere? Did I miss it when we moved here? Or am I missing it now? Are we supposed to stay or go?

On one hand, I believe He has a plan for me. On the other hand, I believe that life it what I make it, and He'll be standing right behind me all of the way. I don't know. I'm confused and scared.

So, tell me. What have you done in this type of situation? Do you have any advice? Because I could really use it!

hugs, Lee